How do we develop relationships?

- Investing our time in pursuing communication

- Sharing joint activities

- Engaging in deeper reciprocated self-disclosure

Interpersonal Needs Theory

The premise that all of us have inclusion, affection, and control needs that we try to meet through our relationships, although our need for each of these varies in degree from person to person

Inclusion Need

Our desire to be in the company. of other people

Affection Need

Our desire to love and be loved

Control Need

Our desire to influence the events and people around us and to be influenced by others

Social Exchange Theory

The premise that we continue to develop a relationship as long as we feel that its reward outweighs its cost and we perceive that what we get from a particular relationship is more than we would be able to get if we invested elsewhere

Relationship Costs

Negative outcomes to a relationship, including the time and energy we spend developing a relationship and the negative experiences the may arise, like hurt feelings, conflict episodes, jealousy

Relationship Rewards

Positive outcomes to a relationship, including basic relationship needs for affection, control, and inclusion met

Communication in Developing Relationships

Developing any relationship occurs over time and through the self disclosure process. As we dispose more and learn that our partner is trustworthy we deepen our relationship.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure

1. Self-disclose the kind of information that you want others to disclose to you

2. Self-disclose information appropriate for the type of relationship you have

3. Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents and acceptable risk

4. Be sensitizer to your partners ability to absorb your disclosure

5. Continue intimate self-disclosure only when it is reciprocated

XYZ Model for Managing Conflict

When you do X (behavior)

Y happens (consequences)

and I feel Z (feelings)

'Donts to the XYZ Model

- Don't attack the persons character

- Don't use "always" and "never" words

- Don't assume you know the other persons motivations

- Do not call the other person names

The Active Listening Process

- Attending (paying attention)

- Understanding

- Remembering

Guidelines to Improve Attending

1. Get physically and mentally ready to pay attention

2. Make the shift from speaker to listener a complete one

3. Stay tuned in

Guidelines and Skills for Improving Understanding

1. Identify the speakers purpose and key points

2. Interpret nonverbal cues

3. Ask clarifying questions to get further information or to remove uncertainty from information already received

4. Paraphrase what you hear. Verify your understanding of a message by putting it into your own words and sharing it with the speaker

When asking clarifying questions...

- Be specific

- Be sincere

- Limit questions or explain that you have several

- Put the "burden of ignorance" on your own shoulders, taking the blame for your not knowing

Content Paraphrase

Conveys your understudying of the denotative meaning of a verbal message

Feelings Paraphrase

Conveys your understanding of the emotional meaning behind a speaking verbal message

What Makes Remembering Difficult

1. Our personal listening style causes us to filter out parts of the message

2. Stress

3. Passive listening

4. Selective remembering

5. The placement of information in the message

Primary Effect

The tendency to remember information that we heard first over what we heard in the middle

Recency Effect

The tendency to remember information that we heard last over what we heard in the middle

Guidelines for Improving Remembering

1. Repeat what was said

2. Create mnemonics

3. Take notes

Mnemonic Device

A learning technique that associates a special word or short statement with new and longer information

Guidelines for Effective Conversationalists

1. Focus on your partner

2. Engage in appropriate turn taking

3. Maintain conversational coherence - relationships your comments to previous ones

4. Protect Privacy

5. Engage in ethical dialouge

6. Choose appropriate humor

Supportive Climate

A conversational environment in which recipients feel comfortable disclosing their problems and emotions

Creating a Supportive Climate

1. Emphasize your desire and availability to help

2. Promise and keep confidentiality

3. Convey acceptance and affiliation - help them save face - communicate that you care no matter what

4. Convey warmth and caring nonverbally

5. Promote elaboration with questions and brief responses

Validating Emotions

1. Acknowledge the negative emotion

2. Legitimate the experience of the emotion

3. Encourage discussion of the emotion

3 Approaches to Communication Rights and Expectations

1. Passive Approach

2. Aggressive Approach

3. Assertive Approach

The Passive Approach

- Concealing your feelings rather than voicing your rights and expectations others

- Sometimes appropriate, sometimes harmful, limits closeness

The Aggressive Approach

- Verbal Aggression (attacks)

- Argumentativeness (defending/attacking reasoning in a respectful manner)

- Flaming (used through social media)

- Passive Aggressive Behavior (indirectly)

The Assertive Approach

Influencing others without damaging relationships (honest and not hostile)

Destructive Conflict Patterns

- Principle of Negative reciprocity

- Serial Arguing

- Counter Blaming

- Cross Complaining

- Demand Withdrawal

- Mutual Hostility

Principle of Negative Reciprocity

Repaying negative treatments with negative treatment

Serial Arguing

Partners argue about the same issue multiple times

Counter Blaming

You blame your partner for causing or forcing you to do what they accused you of doing (shifting responsibility)

Cross Complaining

Partners trader unrelated criticisms

Demand Withdrawal

One partner consistently demands while other consistently withdrawals

Mutual Hostility

Partners trade increasingly louder verbal abuse

Apologize

Acknowledge responsibility, express regret or remorse, request forgiveness. Try to make up for the problem.

Characteristics of Successful Long Term Relationships

- Mutual respect

- Mutual long-term goals

- Comfortable level of closeness

Maintaining Intimacy

- Demonstrate positivity

- Express assurance

- Continue self-disclosure

- Demonstrate understanding

- Talk about the relationship

- Integrate social networks

- Share tasks